I didn’t come here to make friends. Or did I?
Spoiler alert: sometimes reality TV shows us friendships worth watching
I watch Survivor. I know, I know. But I am not guilty about this pleasure. I also watch Amazing Race and Top Chef. I’ve been watching reality tv on and off since it started with Real World or Survivor, or whichever show you think started it all. One of the biggest themes in any reality tv show, whether explicitly or implicitly competitive, is the tried but truism: “I’m not here to make friends.” It’s the tagline for reality tv frenemies seemingly made for our polarized times. I don’t care about others. It’s all about me, and I’ll do anything to outplay, outlast, get to the mat first, keep my knives packed. And I’ve enjoyed watching contestants and participants who play by this philosophy, because it’s not really real life anyway, right?
But it is real life. And I’ve noticed something new in my escapist-TV watching lately. The contestants are having a harder time making that excuse anymore.
Take Survivor. This show is famously cut throat and some of the best have some of the worst friendship records. But in Season 48, which just ended, we had a different story told to us [Spoiler Alert for all remaining content in this post].
Joe, the Dad with heart of gold genuinely bonds with Eva, a young woman with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Joe famously helps Eva comfort and calm down when she’s having an episode of overwhelm after a challenge, and the two become such a tight duo, that they (spoiler alert) dominate all the way to the almost very end. Joe played with his heart. He and Eva built an alliance with Shauhin, Kyle, and David around strength. Their group claimed to be above the typical Survivor fray, and though Kyle, the most deceitful of the strong group did win out in the end, he was only able to do so because of Kamila, his secret partner-in-crime.
Although some might argue that this friendlier approach to Survivor was boring (“mid” as the young people say these days), I did find myself laughing, crying, and supporting when the producers showed the enjoyment and support these pairs found in one another. (Kyle and Kamila delighting in their acting skills made me cackle.) Season 47 made me reconsider the value of duos and true friendship and personal connection in a typically-dog-eat-dog game.
What would Tony say about that?
Similarly, Top Chef wrapped up its season in Canada, and the cast has been among the most winsome, warm, and, dare I say to quote contestant Lana, “cute” that I’ve watched in years. In an episode in Milan, the contestants paired up with future Winter Olympians and Paralympians. In a staged but funny scene, the Olympians help the contestants shop. One Olympian tries to distract contestants to throw them off their game—as if navigating Milan’s equivalent to a Whole Foods isn’t hard enough. The Olympians are also shown giving the contestants pep talks, many of which center on the value of teamwork. How to deal with the paradox of having to compete against your own teammates, but still play for Team USA (or Team Top Chef)? The contestants themselves told the Olympians they want to win, but they also genuinely like their fellow contestants and want them to do well, too.
And the weird part was, just like with Joe and Eva, I believed them!
The recent season of Amazing Race, game of likely and unlikely friend and family duos, showed that friendship winds in the end. The married duo who constantly bickered and fought lost to dynamic Dungeons and Dragons best-friends who seemingly never sniped at one another and truly were having the role playing game of their lives.
The turn toward friendship and away from a Machiavellian me-against-the world attitude is heavily produced — the story that someone wants you to see, not necessarily the most important story that actually happened. I’m sure the Amazing Race producers stepped on the scale a bit with their choice of finale water-based challenges that disfavored the dysfunctional duo’s wife who had a deathly fear of water. I’m sure she and her husband had many sweet moments that never saw air. I know the Survivor producers are taking some heat for a season centered on a drama-free Joe and Eva focused drag-of-a-season that only started smoking during the fire-making challenge.
The producers and editors made narrative choices, and we saw what they wanted us to see. But when the contestants are looking at the camera and telling you that they care about their fellow contestants, when they cry about an upcoming vote, when they cry after their newest bestest chef-buddy gets eliminated, I’m reminded that we can make it through. Through what? Everything. Maybe our reality TV puppet masters want to boost ratings with audiences basking in the warm glow of campfire friendship.
But you know what? I don’t mind.
Because I remember how intense and important those campfire friendships have been to helping me understand who I am. Even if you never saw your camp friends again, and you might not even remember their faces 20 years later, you remember how they made you feel. And I think these contestants, who were isolated from their true friends and family during filming, also saw a unique opportunity to connect with other people they wouldn’t normally meet, in the moment, in a way that we all have such a hard time doing in real life these days.
Maybe reality TV is the break from our partisan extreme reality that we all need. Maybe reality tv is the real world we actually want.
But also, dang, it’s going to be good to see some villains and traitors will be back in action on Survivor, Season 50!